you just sort of look at him...

and it's in his eyes.

i had a student decide to be uncharacteristically rude today. he's the one that greets me with "bad morning, miss k"...as i write the words "good morning :)" (complete with smiley face!) on the dry-erase board each morning under the date. he's one of those kids that's super smart....i can tell. but he's in this pull of peer-dependency....so nothing can be over-done....or magnified as being different or out of the ordinary....because he's gotta save face.

and yet he's the kid that, the day i spilled the ENTIRE container of green paint as my kids were painting murals of martin luther king's "i have a dream" speech.....stayed behind to help me clean up the entire mess. he and i were just as green as the chair and the concrete floor of the art room outside. he's the kid that lingers when he has a question.....and waits until i can give him every ounce of attention that i possess. he's the kid that isn't too embarassed to admit that he doesn't have a clue (my other lower level english speakers are coming out of that). and he's the kid that charms me, but really wants to be charmed. he needs to know how to capture the feminine heart and how to be "man enough" (well, that's true of all of my boys.....but this kid has arrived....and even if he doesn't understand, he's figuring it out inside of himself).

he looked right in my face and repeated a phrase that is prohibited in our classroom after his classmate said it on accident. he proceeded to joke with it, all the while maintaining his steady gaze with my eyes. i did nothing more than look at him, and tell him to go outside. he wouldn't be invited to class today. disrespect wasn't an option.

he didn't quite know how to take me. i've sent kids out....told them to get under control and then come back. i've sent kids to write letters to one another explaning why they thought it was okay to disrepect their fellow classmates. i've had them stand and look at their "victim" and say "NAME, you are not important to me and i don't care what you have to say" (when they interrupt or talk on the side or just flat out discount their classmates). not to mention various other "infamous miss k activities" that they see from me. however, this was somehow different.

he was pushing his limit. to my face.

and i knew that caring about this battle in his heart was more important to me than teaching english in that moment.

i repeated myself....word for word, as he did not flinch. the others were watching. and i knew this was rough on his pre-adolescent "save face" image. however, it was important. and i'm not the teacher to let things go...at least not with this one.

he still didn't make a move. i just walked away....went on with what i was doing. he held me in his gaze for those long few moments.

eventually, he stood, and left the room. and he had purpose. he carried with him some of his english books.

he wanted to know what he should do. i didn't answer him. he wanted to know if he could enter to get this or that....or just be back in the room. i didn't allow it.

finally, as he was begging with all that was inside of him, i allowed him to come in, and with grace and great dignity he copied every spelling word 20 times each...and when i circled the many mistakes, he, without hesitation, re-did every last one of them. he did pages in his practice book that he's never dreamed of trying before. he read. he did this. he did that.

and in my eyes. we had a great moment today, felipe and i. i wrote him a letter in spanish. it said something like: i love you too much....and i care about so much....that i won't allow you to not be yourself. because i know YOU. i see your heart. and i know that it is genuine, sincere, kind, and "cabelleroso". i know that what you did today was totally out of character and that's why i challenged you like i did. you are growing into an amazing young man. and for that, i won't let you do what you did....you're too good for that. you have so many good things about you that make you such a joy to me and those around you, that i refuse to allow you to blow it on disrespect and defiance. i appreciate you. thank you for finishing everything i asked you to do and more. you mean too much to me to let it go. -miss k"

i didn't see him read it, although he's the kid that won't pretend like nothing happened. he's the kid that longs for that. he's a challenge. he acts out sometimes...and he calls attention to himself in ways that he shouldn't. but he's the kid....the kid that needs drastic measures....because his heart is worth it. his manhood is worth it. his dreams are worth it. his security as a growing boy is worth it. he longs for what i can give him. he asks for it with his eyes. he pleads for it with his behavior.

i do'nt know what life is like at home. i'd like to know. and maybe some day i can find out. i do know however that teaching comes with this amazing gift to mold.....to mold young people that are worth molding. i get to spend a lot of time with them. that's a precious thing.

somehow i know that tomorrow felipe and i are going to look at one another...and there will be this different spark about our relationship. i know that we have just passed the "i'm too cool for you" phase.....and we're going to get somewhere. we've just obtained an entirely new level of respect for one another. and i hope....i hope that in our exchange of mutual respect, we figure out how to serve each other better....i like looking in their eyes. i like seeing their futures. i love seeing their dreams. i am enchanted by their capacity for teaching me....and i long for moments like i had with felipe today.....the life-changing kind. he needs those words of assurance.

i just sort of look at him....and i know.....he's got what it takes. i'll be the one to shed some light on that piece of his heart's fertile ground so that he can know he's got what it takes.

How Sweet It Is....

They boarded the plane this morning....but how sweet it was to have my mom, dad, and sister come stay with me for four days. They arrived on Wednesday.....and we went all around the nearby countryside (much to their dismay, I think...but I had an agenda planned, you know??!?!?!?). I took them to all of the "local hotspots" for food....(and gained at least 6 pounds during their visit....as any good Texan should around Thanksgiving time!). We "stumbled upon" 18 weddings happening all at the same time in a church in Jocotepec...not to mention, we got a taste of Mariachi...and the local fiestas of the town I live in...so they were culturally saturated as well.

It was like breathing fresh air or something. And the confidence of just having someone that knows who I was before I moved to this place....that was a cool feeling. I don't think I was quite prepared for the way it would make me feel....but it was good, really good.

We laughed....played.....sang.....ran over lots and lots of speed bumps (out of control, I might add)....and just enjoyed one another. That was sweet for me. Really sweet.

They saw a picture of my life here....and that was something that means a lot to me....it was fun to watch all 48 of my kids introduce themselves one by one and welcome my family very graciously to Mexico. It was fun to sit in the plaza and just be for a few hours....and let them get a glimpse of how life goes for me.

I thoroughly enjoyed my Thanksgiving holidays, although I must say that nothing about it was traditional. NIce, though....to do things in a different pace....on a different plane...from a different set of circumstances.....

Thanks for coming, guys. It was an awesome four days.

desfile.....

that's parade in spanish. and today was amazingly fun time # 9million634,284....with my kids. it's a big national holiday here in mexico....dia de la revolucion. and for that, there are several cool traditions that spread across the country....one of those traditions is to have this big long parade in which every school in the area participates by marching, dancing, and constructing pyramids in the streets of the "county seat" (as we know them in Texas)...so basically the biggest pueblo in the area hosts the big desfile. it was chapala for us.

so all week my kids practiced and practiced and practiced....as is custom, the girls march in four lines first, then the boys follow behind them. the girls must create a dance routine that they perform periodically throughout the marching. the boys simultaneously construct human pyramids. it was a really cool experience for me to watch them work together, support one another, and show each other such kindness.

and it was equally fun to march in the big parade....fireworks and all.....in front of literally hundreds and hundreds of people. every business closes due to the holiday....and all dress nicely to come and watch the parade happenings. it's the biggest thing of the semester (or so i've heard) for the public schools in the area. there were schools who built pyramids five "stories" tall...and that's boys standing on top of boys that high in the air. there were other schools who carried rings of fire that their kids did gymnastics with. there were others who had hula hoops and were tossing them, jumping with them, etc. still others had the traditional mexican attire and performed beautiful traditional dances as they marched in the street. the private schools maybe aren't as preoccupied with preparation, but none the less participate. our school, however, put lots of time and energy into the event....and it paid off. i was so proud of my kids as they marched carrying their orange and blue flags, smiling, and saying "ya llegamos?? casi??? ya????" hehe...... a very fun day for all of us.

thanksgiving.

so this will be the first year that i haven't been in texas for thanksgiving.

but i'm not sad. it's a weird sort of growth thing that i'm feeling. my family (minus my brother) is actually flying down to visit me. that's sorta weird.....to be in that phase of life. but it's good, too. they'll be here on wednesday and stay until the following monday. it'll be some well-needed time with some familiar people.

and as i sit and ponder about what thanksgiving looks like for me this year....it's like a black and white photo. there are some very distinguishing characteristics to the whole thing. (my mind has weird associations, i know). it's kind of like a surreal-ness... but at the same time something so concrete for me.

it's like i watch this thing happening before my eyes that is perfect for me. it isn't perfect. but it's perfect for me right now at this moment in my life's history. and i think about all that i COULD be doing...so many different things that i could choose right now. freedom is a cool gift. and i've got lots and lots and lots of options. that's pretty spectacular. and as i think about all that i could do, nothing entices my heart more than what i'm doing right now in this moment.

it was strange to me today to walk to the plaza from my house (i think i covered about 5 miles...potentially more in the round-trip figurings)....and have this be normal to me. and have it be desired by my heart.

i went through a rough time...made rough by uncontrollable and unforseen circumstances that weren't fair or okay. but they were...are....what they are. and from personal rock-bottomness...i think it's easier to see the things that are above, and that really matter...because all you can do is look up and around.....and search, grasp, and plead for something.

i'm thankful beyond belief for people that support me. i'm thankful beyond words for seeing a tiny picture of the grace of others in my weakness. since i was a little girl, upon the occurence of a deep tragedy in my family's life, the verse "my strength is big enough for you, and my power made perfect in weakness" has been etched upon my heart. i even composed a piano piece with those words...and only those words.

weakness. wow. sometimes i have the audacity to think i don't have any. i know that i do, but to cover them up, i make things up. and i was weak. really, really, really weak. and i couldn't do a single thing about it. i NEEDED others. like i've never needed others before. and the best and coolest thing.....they were there. they picked me up; they held me; they sustained me. they are true gifts that i am so thankful for.

i'm also thankful for the chance to thrive in a place that is so different from everything i could have possibly imagined. this sounds weird, but becoming an adult is an interesting process. it's fantastic to me...and i often stand in awe as i think about the process i'm undergoing. i am challenged so much in the institution that i am in. but i am needed so much as well. and that is a striking contrast. it's striking because it sharpens me....sharpens me like nothing else could. it's not comfortable...no, no, no. but at the same time, i didn't come here hoping that it would be. i've found myself asking god many times to "stretch me....grow me." those words exactly. and this time in my life is serving that purpose....very well.

it's cool to have the gift of taking care of little people..the little people i have. they are so fragile and pliable. but at the same time, i learn from them every single day i am blessed to be in their presence.

also, on a literal level, i am stressed to the max with the ins and outs of dealing with the number of students i have, the resources i don't, and the differences in systems that i experience. and you know what? i couldn't ask for more as a teacher. it's really the dream of every person who truly has the heart of a teacher, i'm convinced....because in the midst of this experience, i get better and better...i learn more and more...and i care for my kids in ways that i couldn't even just the day before. that's unique. that's cool.

not to mention, the ability to grow with another culture at my side. to speak another language....imagine the possibilities with that. i was a commuication major in school, so i obviously value the written and spoken word...however, learning another language does something to your soul that nothing else can. you've got a whole 'nother group of people that you can communicate with, learn about, reach inside of.....amazing, if you want my opinion on the subject. simply amazing.

so am i sad that i'm not in texas doing the same familiar thing that i've always done? no. do'nt get me wrong...there are a WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE that i can't wait to hug, kiss, and hear their voices....but as for where i am in life, i wouldn't change it for the world. i've got so much to be thankful for. and it isn't just the roses...it's the thorns that give those roses their character and sustenance...those are the things i'm thankful for.

Revelations.

I don't know how it happened...or when. But it did. It was something like removing my glasses for awhile and going with just one contact (which is what I've literally been experiencing as I lost all of the boxes of contacts for my left eye!). I was without clarity. I was really down. I was defeated, I'd say.

However, it happened. I went to Puerto Vallarta this weekend...for 3 1/2 days, actually. And it was like stepping out of the situation removed any doubt. I just had to get clear view. And now it's okay. I was refreshed. I once again used reason and rationality to make decisions. And as I was laying there, on the beach underneath the warm and brilliant sunshine of this precious Mexico beach, I got it. The inspiration that drove me to pack everything up, swallow my fear (tears, comfort zone, etc), hop on a plane, and come into the middle of who knows where....for who knows what. I didn't have a clue. But somehow I have found a weird sort of sense of home here. My inspiration returned. I laid there and, while processing whether or not I should accept a higher paying job in paradise.....reason re-entered the scene. I've got 50 kids that look up to me, that respect me, that NEED me, that want me to be strong for them, faithful to them, and present a sense of direction in their lives. That's the reality of my life. That's what I do. And the disorganization and frustration and politics and instability....all of it sort of fades into the background. I literally pictured Alex's cute face adorned with crooked glasses....Emmanuel's sarcastic grin....Memo's smile....Karen's inquisitive gaze....Carlos' hugs....Pablo's semi-evil debate tactics...Alex Manuel's notes at the end of his essays that devulge things that he needs me to read, know, and probe....Paulina's confused pre-adolescent wheels turning in her head....

And I knew that I couldn't. I couldn't do what MIGHT BE the better thing for me right now....what might be the easy thing right now...what might possibly be the thing I've held out for for quite sometime. Despite the attraction of choice "B"...choice A is the right thing. It's the good thing. It's the thing that in the end will mean more to me. I have kids that rely on my judgement, on my words of affirmation, on my encouragement, on my presence to them. And somehow, I couldn't walk away from that responsibility. The thought of leaving them to someone else....it made me physically feel ill. I couldn't imagine that. Not because I'm not replaceable....I am. Not because someone else couldn't rock their world or impart just as much or more than I can.....they could. Not because I'm the greatest thing that they'll ever know....that isn't true. But what is is that I have a covenant with them. I have a level of trust with them. And I can't abandon that.

I can't walk away.....for fear....for frustration....for anything. I owe it to them.

And honestly, they crossed my mind more than I could have ever imagined. And somehow I just knew. I knew that THIS was it....right here. Right now. There was nothing in that moment of decision that was more important to me.

When I talked to my director on Friday, I laid down some pretty strong demands...and I followed them immediately with, "Because for me, English teacher is by far my secondary title. I've got little people for whom I am responsible....they are what matter to me....their formation as people.....not as English speakers....as the people that they are. That's what I do....in life....and as a teacher. That is my responsibility." And from there, I left. And that will stick with me. In the midst of chaos. In the midst of frustration. In the midst of whatever else arises....Mexican school system, Texas school system, wherever school system. That is my gift, my privilege. To mold and shape little people.....to pour myself out in an effort to invest in the lives of future leaders, teachers, presidents, athletes, business men and women....that's it. That's what I do. That's why I'm here. And that, fortunately, re-entered the scene for me. They deserve the best of me. They need Miss K at her best.....doing what she was born to do.

And that's where it'll go from here....revelations. Thank God for those.

My Hero.

I have the most amazing sister. She sends me these emails every day (without fail- the night before even so that i'll be sure to receive them!)....and they say things like: "have the most spectacularly stupendous tuesday you've ever had in your whole life....have a witty wednesday....have a masterpiece of a monday...have a fantastically freaky friday..." and so on they go.

She's recently turned fourteen, and I can say that one of the hardest things about living in a different country is being away from her. She's delightfully beautiful....and more than that, she's got a sense of humor that amazes and delights me. She's very strong....and incredibly smart. She fragile and delicate, but so put together: very decisive. I was never that way. She constantly dazzles me with her self-assurance and her ability to wisely counsel and impart wisdom to her friends.

She's a pretty spectacular young woman. I miss her. But I'm thankful beyond words for her faithful communcation and keeping in touch. I look forward to her words every single day.

Thanks, Rel, for speaking so much into my life. You're a blessing to me...and truly one of my life's most respected heroes. I love you.