Fresh Air...

There are Mariachi's walking outside. There are people laughing at the table next to me. Wow. I didn't know how good it would feel to GET OUT OF MY HOUSE....or Rica's house. Man. I've been really, really sick for the last couple of weeks....with this week being the most intense....and haven't left...haven't gone to work...haven't been able to. So, today, sitting in the coffee shop/internet cafe, I'm delighted. It's probably too much...and I probably shouldn't be out, but I had to. It was too much sitting there on the couch for another afternoon.

I'm an expert at solving murder cases, now...thanks to Law and Order: Criminal Intent. And if you ever discover a body, just call me up. I'm a pro at figuring out evidence and sequence of events, as I was doing so within the first 15 minutes as of the 54th episode that I watched. So, not to worry, should you ever stumble upon a crime scene, I'm up for the job....and if need be, I'll retire from teaching in Mexico to assist you. I'm good. Really good.

On a much more serious note....I have issues. Do you ever just wake up in the morning and think that? Maybe I can blame it on living along. Maybe I can blame it on lack of a "real" social life. Maybe I can even blame it on insanity due to living in a foreign country. But I'm pretty sure that whatever title I put on it, it stems to growth inside of me that I can't contain. It's like there's a peeling away of a layer of the heart...and I discover that I don't know much....about me, about life, about God, about what it's like to be in another culture, about love, about relationships, about trust, about lots of things.

And I find, that for me, I have a hard time not knowing. I even will make it up if I don't know so that I can pretend like I do. Not that's fabulous, huh? It's like lying to yourself to feel better about yourself. I have this view of life (that, although I think is normal coming from the culture and lifestyle that I grew up in in the States) to weigh things out. What I mean by that is justification. Like THIS isn't as bad as THIS...so I can do THIS much and get away with THIS. Or to take it to another extreme, I HAVE to do THIS in order to be worthy of THIS.....if I don't GIVE this or DO THIS...then I don't deserve THIS....

And that makes learning to love and trust...and be in relationships in general....really tough. It's like there this " I owe you" deal that happens inside of me. It's hard to accept things.

It's been one of the most amazing experiences for me to be here and see the "sharing" attitude. For example, to watch a family in need is a spectacular thing. Everyone just gives up what is "theirs" and helps out. That could mean money; it could mean time; it could mean food. It could mean just about anything. But there is this selflessness that blows my mind. It's unlike anything I've really ever experienced. It's this deal that says: "You're my responsibility because you are a human being." Money? Okay...how much? Food? Okay....where? Time? I'm all yours.

Wow. I was in tears this morning becuase I've been battling with feeling like a burden...in my sickness, I've been all but independent. I don't have a car. I can't get around. I couldn't get out of bed for a few days becuase I was so dizzy and miserable. I couldn't get to the farmacia to get medicine. I couldn't be there for my kids at school. I was all by myself in my house.....

And then there were these people. They came to serve me. NO NO NO NO NO NO. I couldn't do it. There's the pride about me that says "Uh-uh....I'm gonna do it." But, really, I'm not. I can't. There were physical limitations....I couldn't do it. And all the while, I'm counting up the amount of debt I'm racking up, right? I'm thinking how I'm going to re-pay...how I'm going to make it all right.

And then when the pain in my stomach was immobilizing...and Rica brought me the pill with a glass of water. That was it. I broke. I was in tears this morning after that event last night...apologizing to him for being sick...for not being able to just do it. To have to be taken care of. For being a burden.

My pride. His selflessness. The selflessness of his sister who served me food. It's like having your dirty, stinky feet washed...so undeservingly. It's like being bathed in this sweet aroma of love...pure love, but pouring on the stench of pride with your own hands.

I don't know how to get there. I don't know how to humble myself...to not feel this "compelling need" to apologize...to get it together. It's an experience...to be weak like that. And in the middle of something where you really, honestly, in truly...NEED someone (someones.....) else.

I went through this a time ago, as well. With something of a different nature, but serious all the while...and these people. Rica, Leti, Victor, Marsela, Ara....they came....and they FOUGHT for me. They held me.

It's hard. I don't like it. I don't like learning this......thing....whatever it is. But I'll get it. And based on what I've observed, I'll be much better for the process...these people I have here....they rock my world.

And even more than that, they impact it greatly. With things I've never experienced before....