thanksgiving.

so this will be the first year that i haven't been in texas for thanksgiving.

but i'm not sad. it's a weird sort of growth thing that i'm feeling. my family (minus my brother) is actually flying down to visit me. that's sorta weird.....to be in that phase of life. but it's good, too. they'll be here on wednesday and stay until the following monday. it'll be some well-needed time with some familiar people.

and as i sit and ponder about what thanksgiving looks like for me this year....it's like a black and white photo. there are some very distinguishing characteristics to the whole thing. (my mind has weird associations, i know). it's kind of like a surreal-ness... but at the same time something so concrete for me.

it's like i watch this thing happening before my eyes that is perfect for me. it isn't perfect. but it's perfect for me right now at this moment in my life's history. and i think about all that i COULD be doing...so many different things that i could choose right now. freedom is a cool gift. and i've got lots and lots and lots of options. that's pretty spectacular. and as i think about all that i could do, nothing entices my heart more than what i'm doing right now in this moment.

it was strange to me today to walk to the plaza from my house (i think i covered about 5 miles...potentially more in the round-trip figurings)....and have this be normal to me. and have it be desired by my heart.

i went through a rough time...made rough by uncontrollable and unforseen circumstances that weren't fair or okay. but they were...are....what they are. and from personal rock-bottomness...i think it's easier to see the things that are above, and that really matter...because all you can do is look up and around.....and search, grasp, and plead for something.

i'm thankful beyond belief for people that support me. i'm thankful beyond words for seeing a tiny picture of the grace of others in my weakness. since i was a little girl, upon the occurence of a deep tragedy in my family's life, the verse "my strength is big enough for you, and my power made perfect in weakness" has been etched upon my heart. i even composed a piano piece with those words...and only those words.

weakness. wow. sometimes i have the audacity to think i don't have any. i know that i do, but to cover them up, i make things up. and i was weak. really, really, really weak. and i couldn't do a single thing about it. i NEEDED others. like i've never needed others before. and the best and coolest thing.....they were there. they picked me up; they held me; they sustained me. they are true gifts that i am so thankful for.

i'm also thankful for the chance to thrive in a place that is so different from everything i could have possibly imagined. this sounds weird, but becoming an adult is an interesting process. it's fantastic to me...and i often stand in awe as i think about the process i'm undergoing. i am challenged so much in the institution that i am in. but i am needed so much as well. and that is a striking contrast. it's striking because it sharpens me....sharpens me like nothing else could. it's not comfortable...no, no, no. but at the same time, i didn't come here hoping that it would be. i've found myself asking god many times to "stretch me....grow me." those words exactly. and this time in my life is serving that purpose....very well.

it's cool to have the gift of taking care of little people..the little people i have. they are so fragile and pliable. but at the same time, i learn from them every single day i am blessed to be in their presence.

also, on a literal level, i am stressed to the max with the ins and outs of dealing with the number of students i have, the resources i don't, and the differences in systems that i experience. and you know what? i couldn't ask for more as a teacher. it's really the dream of every person who truly has the heart of a teacher, i'm convinced....because in the midst of this experience, i get better and better...i learn more and more...and i care for my kids in ways that i couldn't even just the day before. that's unique. that's cool.

not to mention, the ability to grow with another culture at my side. to speak another language....imagine the possibilities with that. i was a commuication major in school, so i obviously value the written and spoken word...however, learning another language does something to your soul that nothing else can. you've got a whole 'nother group of people that you can communicate with, learn about, reach inside of.....amazing, if you want my opinion on the subject. simply amazing.

so am i sad that i'm not in texas doing the same familiar thing that i've always done? no. do'nt get me wrong...there are a WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE that i can't wait to hug, kiss, and hear their voices....but as for where i am in life, i wouldn't change it for the world. i've got so much to be thankful for. and it isn't just the roses...it's the thorns that give those roses their character and sustenance...those are the things i'm thankful for.