you just sort of look at him...

and it's in his eyes.

i had a student decide to be uncharacteristically rude today. he's the one that greets me with "bad morning, miss k"...as i write the words "good morning :)" (complete with smiley face!) on the dry-erase board each morning under the date. he's one of those kids that's super smart....i can tell. but he's in this pull of peer-dependency....so nothing can be over-done....or magnified as being different or out of the ordinary....because he's gotta save face.

and yet he's the kid that, the day i spilled the ENTIRE container of green paint as my kids were painting murals of martin luther king's "i have a dream" speech.....stayed behind to help me clean up the entire mess. he and i were just as green as the chair and the concrete floor of the art room outside. he's the kid that lingers when he has a question.....and waits until i can give him every ounce of attention that i possess. he's the kid that isn't too embarassed to admit that he doesn't have a clue (my other lower level english speakers are coming out of that). and he's the kid that charms me, but really wants to be charmed. he needs to know how to capture the feminine heart and how to be "man enough" (well, that's true of all of my boys.....but this kid has arrived....and even if he doesn't understand, he's figuring it out inside of himself).

he looked right in my face and repeated a phrase that is prohibited in our classroom after his classmate said it on accident. he proceeded to joke with it, all the while maintaining his steady gaze with my eyes. i did nothing more than look at him, and tell him to go outside. he wouldn't be invited to class today. disrespect wasn't an option.

he didn't quite know how to take me. i've sent kids out....told them to get under control and then come back. i've sent kids to write letters to one another explaning why they thought it was okay to disrepect their fellow classmates. i've had them stand and look at their "victim" and say "NAME, you are not important to me and i don't care what you have to say" (when they interrupt or talk on the side or just flat out discount their classmates). not to mention various other "infamous miss k activities" that they see from me. however, this was somehow different.

he was pushing his limit. to my face.

and i knew that caring about this battle in his heart was more important to me than teaching english in that moment.

i repeated myself....word for word, as he did not flinch. the others were watching. and i knew this was rough on his pre-adolescent "save face" image. however, it was important. and i'm not the teacher to let things go...at least not with this one.

he still didn't make a move. i just walked away....went on with what i was doing. he held me in his gaze for those long few moments.

eventually, he stood, and left the room. and he had purpose. he carried with him some of his english books.

he wanted to know what he should do. i didn't answer him. he wanted to know if he could enter to get this or that....or just be back in the room. i didn't allow it.

finally, as he was begging with all that was inside of him, i allowed him to come in, and with grace and great dignity he copied every spelling word 20 times each...and when i circled the many mistakes, he, without hesitation, re-did every last one of them. he did pages in his practice book that he's never dreamed of trying before. he read. he did this. he did that.

and in my eyes. we had a great moment today, felipe and i. i wrote him a letter in spanish. it said something like: i love you too much....and i care about so much....that i won't allow you to not be yourself. because i know YOU. i see your heart. and i know that it is genuine, sincere, kind, and "cabelleroso". i know that what you did today was totally out of character and that's why i challenged you like i did. you are growing into an amazing young man. and for that, i won't let you do what you did....you're too good for that. you have so many good things about you that make you such a joy to me and those around you, that i refuse to allow you to blow it on disrespect and defiance. i appreciate you. thank you for finishing everything i asked you to do and more. you mean too much to me to let it go. -miss k"

i didn't see him read it, although he's the kid that won't pretend like nothing happened. he's the kid that longs for that. he's a challenge. he acts out sometimes...and he calls attention to himself in ways that he shouldn't. but he's the kid....the kid that needs drastic measures....because his heart is worth it. his manhood is worth it. his dreams are worth it. his security as a growing boy is worth it. he longs for what i can give him. he asks for it with his eyes. he pleads for it with his behavior.

i do'nt know what life is like at home. i'd like to know. and maybe some day i can find out. i do know however that teaching comes with this amazing gift to mold.....to mold young people that are worth molding. i get to spend a lot of time with them. that's a precious thing.

somehow i know that tomorrow felipe and i are going to look at one another...and there will be this different spark about our relationship. i know that we have just passed the "i'm too cool for you" phase.....and we're going to get somewhere. we've just obtained an entirely new level of respect for one another. and i hope....i hope that in our exchange of mutual respect, we figure out how to serve each other better....i like looking in their eyes. i like seeing their futures. i love seeing their dreams. i am enchanted by their capacity for teaching me....and i long for moments like i had with felipe today.....the life-changing kind. he needs those words of assurance.

i just sort of look at him....and i know.....he's got what it takes. i'll be the one to shed some light on that piece of his heart's fertile ground so that he can know he's got what it takes.