tal vez....

tal vez lo estoy tomando demasiado personal...pero tal vez no.
mas que nada, creo que ya me canse. hay algunas cosas que no puedes dar vuelta la cara....que no puedes ignorar. hay cosas que valen...que significan por algo mas que hoy. y como puedes enseñar algo sobre la vida real si realmente, nunca van a vivir alla....si nunca van a conocer a este mundo. hay algunos que si lo saben...pero los de mas (la mayoria) que ni saben ni van a saber. y eso me da la tristeza...la tristeza a sentir como que no estoy cumpliendo mis sueños, mis planes.....como que para que estoy? los quiero...un grupo....tengo una forma con ellos; siento como que estamos avanzando....pero con los otros, en serio, hay algunas veces que nada mas quiero salir...caminar....hasta bien lejos. no son agradecidos. no son bien portados. no son abiertos a aprender. son consentidos. tienen casi todo el mundo en sus manos...o las de sus papas...y por eso, como que es el punto, pregunto a mi misma.

si creo que es nada mas que ya me canse. quiero irme. quiero descansar. no quiero batallar con desorden. no quiero fallar por la quinta vez por dia que nadie sabe lo que debemos hacer. no quiero tener otra "miscomunicacion"....especialmente ya me canse de ellas. no quiero oir sus deseos grandes de la vida que no es real....y ver como la cumplen, como la satisfechan sus pobres niños....para que esten tranquilos, contentos....no, no, no, no.

es ridiculo algunas veces a ver. y ya me caen gordos. ya me canse. ya...bastante es bastante.

comin´home!

so in just a few short days i´ll be on the plane to texas. i´m really, really, really excited. like i don´t think there´s ever been a time in my life when i´ve been more thrilled to go somewhere that is home. it´s like i think about the people that i´ll see, hug, and hang out with...and i really can´t wait. i´m antsy being here for these last few days at school because i´m mentally there...with my cousins on new year´s eve, at my gramma´s house on christmas morning (i can smell her house!), with my sister at the movies, in my parent´s house (i can see the green of the walls and the tiles on the floors), with my friends in san marcos (i can´t wait to hug them all!), with my aunts and uncles all joking and laughing (and speaking in PURE ENGLISH!)...yeah...it´s like this fantasy. it´ll be real soon, i know...but for now, it feels really close...and so far away in the same breath.

phew. i´m ready. really ready. texas, here i come....

frustration...

so yesterday was one of the most frustrating days i´ve had in awhile. i´m trying to make my copies for the bimestral exams of both of my classes (that´s nearly 50 copies of 6 page exams)...and i´ve gotta do the let´s save the planet paper conservation thing (which i totally believe in, just not in the crunch time moments of having the lady who usually does all of that stuff out...and this being the 9millionth time i´ve tried to have a second to get it all done)....anyways, so i´m trying to get that all going, and the spanish teacher of my fifth graders comes to me and tells me that the teacher of the library class for my students isn´t available, that i need to administer their exams (for both halves of the class, which is scheduled to take up the last two hours of the day)...fantastic. no biggie. i´ll do that (which is, by the way, meaning that i´m instructing and assisting with an exam for a class that is given in spanish....not a big deal, i´ll get all of that done and then some, right?). alright, off we go. making copies, answering questions, saying "no" to talking and to the bathroom....etc. and another teacher comes in saying that she needs to make copies of a circular for the ENTIRE SCHOOL and needs to have them issued by the END OF THE DAY. funny, because my exams have to be ready to be given THIS MORNING! ni modo...gotta do it. so we share the copier, both trying to get our jobs done. successful, but literally in the last minute of the school day.

furthermore, i´ve rented a car because the one that i was borrowing is now non-functioning. i note that only because it is the third time in the four months that i have lived in ajijic that i have had issues with it (or the other "loaner" that i was issued). that can preface the frustration from fighting with the car issue.

anyways...so i rented a car from a family at the school who have it as a part of their business. so i am preparing to leave school yesterday to meet the realtor at my house to go over some important issues for the people who are coming to claim the things of the owner who died about a month ago. anyways...so i try to turn the key...and NOTHING. seriously it was like shock and a half just because it seems like everytime i set foot in a car, i have issues. okay. so i think to myself,"self, calm down...it´s the battery....go get jumper cables and you´ll be on your way." so i go back up the ginormous hill and ask the school director for his set. turns out there´s no way it could be the battery, becasue there is NO SIGN of life when i try again with the key. so i scratch that idea, pop the hood, and come to the conclusion (with the help of a male teacher) that it is due to the extensive corrosion on the battery cables that the little red car won´t start. i say, "well, okay, how about i go buy a coke and we´ll try that...then we can twist around the cable until it starts, no?" he agrees that that´s our best option and i´m off to the races.

come back, and sure enough, that was the answer. i´m on my merry way. i go pick up rica because we´re supposed to be going to eat (which isn´t gonna happen now, but i haven´t been able to contact him because in the middle of all of this my cell phone decides that it doesn´t want to work anymore and won´t allow me to call or send messages). so i swing by there and as i do, the car dies again. he helps me get the thing tightened enough, however, the issue is that this isn´t hte first time, the cable is completely tightened as much as it can possibly be tightened. it´s the looseness of it on the battery...it´s not connecting like it should be.

so we take off to go to my house so that i can hopefully catch the realtor. on the way, i´m passing through a yellow light, and the cop in the intersection literally throws his body in front of my car. i couldn´t very well just slam on the brakes and stop, so i proceeded through the intersection. i hadn´t done anything wrong and i couldn´t slam on the brakes fast enough. i think when he turned and saw me he sort of just reacted in fear...becasue it was close to him and it scared him. however, a few minutes later, he comes speeding behind me in his little motorcycle...and pulls me over. rica argues with him for awhile and i explain to him that when i proceeded, i was following complete legal specifications. when his body turned, yes, he signaled me to stop, but that wasn´t a possibility at that point. i was already passing him. and he went on to throw himself out in front of me. he didn´t like that very much and demanded all of the paperwork. i gave it to him and he came back with a ticket. lovely.

we proceed to the house. susan was still there thankfully. and i showed her all of my belongings as to those that are of the now deceased home owner. that didn´t take long and finally we could go eat. it was now around 4something. we changed to go to the gym, and on the way, rica went to roll down the window...and it literally crashed to the bottom of the door frame. it was off of the track, i suppose, but it was in that moment that i almost just lost it. i almost just broke down....tears begged to fall. it was the end of what had been a fantastically frustrating day. everything, it seemed, went wrong. my kids were out of control. nothing was right at school. everything and their sister was freaking out in reference to the car. nothing wanted to work. nothing.

but then....somehow. it really didn´t matter. it was just time. it was just money. it was just a day. and tomorrow...would be a different day. i took my time driving the car back to ajijic. i looked at the christmas lights. i ordered the pizza for my kids´ surprise pizza party after their exams today. i watched a movie. i rested. i took a hot shower. and that was that. it was over. everything that happened can be fixed. everything that went wrong can go right the next time...or maybe not...but there´s that chance at least. and it was okay.

su abrazo me dio bastante seguridad. sus palabras me hicieron calmada. sus cariños me hicieron volar. estoy agradecida por su manera de hablar, de ser, de vivir, de acompañarme. es un regalo.

and today´s a totally different thing. it´s new. it´s okay. i´m glad for frustrating days that test my patience. i don´t like them because they´re not easy, but they´re truly a gift because they´re the things that make you realize what´s really important. none of the materialistic things really...the relationship back and forth...with my co-workers and my friends....with my students and my directors. yeah. it was a good day for me....i keep learning. more and more and more. :)

oh how i love mexico.

so i just returned home from a wedding. my co-worker (who's also become a friend) got married in a small town about an hour away from where i live. my friend leti was gracious enough (as she always is...and does an above average job of) to accompany me on the adventure to find the town and then to hang out at the wedding and reception.

we had a blast. the ceremony was beautiful...and the reception was great fun. there are many traditional dances and music here...those are always fun to participate in. and, as always, i was in mariachi heaven. the mariachis actually serenade each table individually. and i got my own song played for me at the request of the bride and groom!!! sweet. :) it definitely made my night. then we had a traditional wedding dish- virria, rice, and beans, with chile and tortillas (of course). there was plenty of tequila in sight, which is another can't live without item for all events in mexico. there was the "dollar dance" which is peso dance here in mexico), the dance before the tossing of the flowers, and the banda/durengenza music. so my co-workers, leti, and i danced and danced and danced.

it was a blast. i love weddings here. well, i love weddings in the states for that matter...hehe.

something like riding a bike...

so apparently driving standard is NOT like riding a bike. you DO forget how to do it. and you CAN fall off...in the sense of rolling backwards and not knowing what the heck you're doing.

we were with leti's dad tonight...and driving from the plaza. seeing as how my car is in titanic car heaven for the time-being, he said, "well, court, tu puedes manejar estandard, verdad?" y yo, "pues, si, padrino...pero hace como un ano desde cuando me han tocado a hacerlo. pues, pero, si, puedo." hahahahahahahahahaha! i got behind the wheel...and took off the brake...and put my foot on the clutch...and that was the end of that. i started rolling backwards, screamed, and was looking forward all the while hoping that by some miraculous god-send moment, i'd start going in the right direction with all of my wits in-tact.

uhhhhh...nope. didn't happen. it was at that precise moment that the three of us began laughing so hard we were crying. it was one of the kind of moments you probably had to be there for...but it was the hardest that i've laughed in quite awhile.

"ay, courtney o ay, guerra!"- i'm not sure if they're over-used phrases, or if I really do have THAT many moments. probably the second of the two. but, hey, life's interesting. deserted streets. one o'clock in the morning. hanging out with my friend and her dad. just driving standard as though i were riding a bike....

yeah. i went there.

so the other day, my friends leti, rica, and i....CLIMBED THE MOUNTAIN. i don't think i realized what i was getting myself into when i begged rica to take me.....hehe. it was a LONG way up! but it was so worth it. it was absolutely gorgeous. we climbed and climbed and climbed...and then stopped to view...and wow! it's breathtaking from the top. the whole village is visible...the lake. yeah. the pictures don't quite do it justice...but they give a glimpse. it's one of my favorite things about my time here thus far. :)

cultural experience.

so i got to attend yet another mexican cultural event today. really cool. i went to a bachelorette party as put on by the female teachers/coordinators/staff at school for the third and fourth grade spanish teacher who will be getting married on saturday.

it was a really rich party, filled with many symbolic and precious events. first, we just talked and "warmed up"....then was the symbolic gift exchange. i was asked to bring matches and a light bulb. (yeah....i had that same look on my face...the one you're showing right now....) light bulb? matches? whatever. okay.

what happened was....i read a small tribute to mari (that's the teacher's name) about what those things mean for her and her husband in their soon-to-be marriage. it talked about how that lightbulbs go out and need to be changed, but that the light of joy and peace makes the home what it is. it talked about matches being reusable....being independent of any other source but themselves (they are not dependent on electricity or something that can fail them)....so it is with joy....it's something that remains and can be re-lit again and again....without exhaustion. it talked about how light makes things clear....how it illuminates all things and retires the darkness of confusion.

others read passages about cleaning products, cooking, a beautiful well-worn bible, etc...all things that are symbolic, but also very literal. i loved being a part of the celebration.

afterwards, we had cake...and the older women (the married women) gave her advice on what makes their marriages work...or what they have learned from failure. i was dumbfounded by some of their words. very wise women. i was delighted to see their personalities beyond what i see at school everyday...and to hear the hearts of women who have much to offer.

a great cultural experience for me....