Revelations.

I don't know how it happened...or when. But it did. It was something like removing my glasses for awhile and going with just one contact (which is what I've literally been experiencing as I lost all of the boxes of contacts for my left eye!). I was without clarity. I was really down. I was defeated, I'd say.

However, it happened. I went to Puerto Vallarta this weekend...for 3 1/2 days, actually. And it was like stepping out of the situation removed any doubt. I just had to get clear view. And now it's okay. I was refreshed. I once again used reason and rationality to make decisions. And as I was laying there, on the beach underneath the warm and brilliant sunshine of this precious Mexico beach, I got it. The inspiration that drove me to pack everything up, swallow my fear (tears, comfort zone, etc), hop on a plane, and come into the middle of who knows where....for who knows what. I didn't have a clue. But somehow I have found a weird sort of sense of home here. My inspiration returned. I laid there and, while processing whether or not I should accept a higher paying job in paradise.....reason re-entered the scene. I've got 50 kids that look up to me, that respect me, that NEED me, that want me to be strong for them, faithful to them, and present a sense of direction in their lives. That's the reality of my life. That's what I do. And the disorganization and frustration and politics and instability....all of it sort of fades into the background. I literally pictured Alex's cute face adorned with crooked glasses....Emmanuel's sarcastic grin....Memo's smile....Karen's inquisitive gaze....Carlos' hugs....Pablo's semi-evil debate tactics...Alex Manuel's notes at the end of his essays that devulge things that he needs me to read, know, and probe....Paulina's confused pre-adolescent wheels turning in her head....

And I knew that I couldn't. I couldn't do what MIGHT BE the better thing for me right now....what might be the easy thing right now...what might possibly be the thing I've held out for for quite sometime. Despite the attraction of choice "B"...choice A is the right thing. It's the good thing. It's the thing that in the end will mean more to me. I have kids that rely on my judgement, on my words of affirmation, on my encouragement, on my presence to them. And somehow, I couldn't walk away from that responsibility. The thought of leaving them to someone else....it made me physically feel ill. I couldn't imagine that. Not because I'm not replaceable....I am. Not because someone else couldn't rock their world or impart just as much or more than I can.....they could. Not because I'm the greatest thing that they'll ever know....that isn't true. But what is is that I have a covenant with them. I have a level of trust with them. And I can't abandon that.

I can't walk away.....for fear....for frustration....for anything. I owe it to them.

And honestly, they crossed my mind more than I could have ever imagined. And somehow I just knew. I knew that THIS was it....right here. Right now. There was nothing in that moment of decision that was more important to me.

When I talked to my director on Friday, I laid down some pretty strong demands...and I followed them immediately with, "Because for me, English teacher is by far my secondary title. I've got little people for whom I am responsible....they are what matter to me....their formation as people.....not as English speakers....as the people that they are. That's what I do....in life....and as a teacher. That is my responsibility." And from there, I left. And that will stick with me. In the midst of chaos. In the midst of frustration. In the midst of whatever else arises....Mexican school system, Texas school system, wherever school system. That is my gift, my privilege. To mold and shape little people.....to pour myself out in an effort to invest in the lives of future leaders, teachers, presidents, athletes, business men and women....that's it. That's what I do. That's why I'm here. And that, fortunately, re-entered the scene for me. They deserve the best of me. They need Miss K at her best.....doing what she was born to do.

And that's where it'll go from here....revelations. Thank God for those.