Lots of Time...

So, I promise that this will get better...well, I'd better not promise until I have stable internet...but I'll do my best, ok? It's been quite some time since I've written, and without checking back to see previous entries, I imagine that much has changed.

The biggest change is that my boyfriend and I made the journey from Ajijic, Mexico (state of Jalisco) to Playa del Carmen. The trip lasted 3 days/2 nights. And in the course of the thing, we saw the entire southern tip of the country. It was beyond words kind of amazing. Arriving and leaving the area of Puebla in the state of Mexico, we experienced picturesque mountains and valleys and all that accompany them as though someone had painted them rather than actually being a part of a living, breathing environment. The temps there fell to 52 F at the lowest, and then arriving near VillaHermosa (passing the state of Veracruz and entering Tabasco), we were scorched with coastal conditions and temps beyond 100. However, we made lots of irreplaceable memories. We fought, we cried, and we made it. We're here.

We arrived to a friend of Ricardo's. It was night, something like 8pm. And there we stayed. A small house- no aircondition. I was surprised to find that most people here in this area sleep in hammocks. All over the neighborhood were people sprawled out in their brightly-colored hammocks. And all over the neighborhood were PEOPLE. This isn't a common practice in Ajijic, but later I found the reason for the sudden need for out-of-doors: the heat. Inside the houses is something like roasting in the oven. You come out like a plump, brown duck or chicken with vegetables. And in the bathroom, you get more of a sauna experience. It's like going beneath the earth or in a cave that gives you that sweaty kind of good sensation...like you've purified your skin, but through simply sweating out all of the toxins. I told Ricardo that this would be good for us...if for nothing else than to lose weight....by simply sweating. I've been without make-up for a week now. I told him I think this is healthy somehow.

Anyways...there we found a hospitable and kind family. However, there was something missing for me. There wasn't an air of homeiness for me. And then my padrinos arrived. And it feels like a completely opposite experience. Well, I guess it is. We're now their guests in one of the finest resorts in Playa del Carmen and have more aircondition than we could possibly have hoped for a the other house. Also, I feel so at home here with them. I became friends with the oldest daughter through some mutual friends of ours (and quite on accident, at that). But Leti and I became fast and close friends. I consider her to be one of my best and most cherished friends although our immediate time together was short...she went back to the United States after taking a 3 mon. break in Mexico. I felt a kind of kindred spirit with her that is inexplicable in words. It's just one of those you know you'll be friends for life kind of relationships.

So anyways...her family sort of adopted me and I them. And here we are. They've been incredibly amazing to offer us a place to stay during their vacation and have even set up interviews with various people here in the resort. Tomorrow is the first of such for me. It's sort of like going at it blind, but I'm really excited at the same time that I'm completely unbelievably nervous. I don't know if it will be in Spanish or English. I don't really know what the work entails. I don't know much. But I do know that as I was walking downtown on the famous Quinta Avenida here in Playa, I was enchanted in a new way by Mexico. It's charming. It's beautiful. It's elegant. And it's full of every kind of race and creed you could imagine. There were beautiful strands of Italian, French, German, Russian, Spanish.....Mariachi, wind instruments, and typical sing-along type of Spanish songs. It was fabulous. Absolutely something that I've dreamed of since being the size of a loaf of bread, I think. I just sat there, talking with my padrinos and Ricardo and thinking: "Wow." That's it. There are so many opportunities present before us. And I'm so fortunate to be here, living and doing this.

An adventure of great proportions in my small world. It opens up for me, somehow, a giant place full of humankind from places I've only seen in books or on tv. But oh how my thirst and hunger is tempted. Oh how I'm enticed. Oh how I'm enthralled. What a big world. And there I am a sole part of such a huge whole. And what possibilities await me as a part of this giant sphere? To be discovered.....

updating....

i apologize in advance if this is horrible typing. it´s just that i´m working on an ANCIENT (older than time itself) keyboard that is on a mexican operating system, but has all the keys of an american system. it´s a weird thing....sorry in advance for hte sloppiness!

anyways....so not a whole lot to report. well, actually, just that everything about my life here has changed, i guess. i´m giving private english and spanish classes. so i´ve opened my own business, of sorts. that´s been interesting and fun. it´s quite an endeavor....but i´ll get the hang of it and really fly, or so i hope.

i´m making plans to move back to the states, although they won´t be taking place any time in the super near future....or so i don´t have it planned.

i´m working on really being content. like it´s been sort of a shift...i dunno of attitude or what...but i´ve moved from living temporarily in some place searching for the NExT thing...to really trying to solidly pursue life...and the things that everyday pass....rather than always looking so far ahead. i want to concentrate on being present and living. i´m doing that.

that translates for me into...living in mexico. embracing all that it is. frustrating sometimes....culture differences...loneliness....issues that arise for lack of normalcy according to my upbringing....but in the long run, i know that no matter what, it is what it is and this is what is right for me right now at this time. therefore living here means making it home. i´m taking painting classes. i´ll be running again after my foot heals. i seem to have strained a muscle from hiking in the mountain. i´m cooking normal meals. i´m living in a relationship....living in one. investing, learning, being cherished....it´s a cool process. and quite the learning experience. the ups and downs somehow seem normal and welcomed.....

but to focus really on being rather than searching. it´s a new chapter for me. i think it has something to do with my age and place in life. it also has a lot to do with my learning about me and trying to work on difficulties.

and so you have it. just living the dream. every day.

sometimes i hate it when....

.....i don't know what to do.

ya muchas cosas han cambiado para mi. a pensar. a analizar. a aceptar.

y no se. cuando me dicen esta cosa u otra cosa. y es como que: no, eso, no. es una forma...una manera. pero no es para todos. ni es algo concreto que es verdad.

just thinking out loud. my brain is scrambling right now. so i came to the roof to look out over the lake and to write a little.

looking up.

so figuring out how to not have to have control of your classroom, but instead allow your students to do so....it's FABULOUS. there's this amazing parent/ teacher training thing...called Love and Logic....check it out online if you're a parent (or ever want to be one) or a teacher. it's fabulous. the techniques make SO MUCH SENSE...you just wish you would've figured it out a LONG time ago. :)

Wow.

This has truly been the most amazing birthday of my life. For starters, my wonderful boyfriend woke me up with a miniature chocolate cake at 1 in the morning (I guess that was the official birthday time?!!?!?!?!?!?). He had adorned it with 3 candles and a precious note. Then this morning, I arrived at schoool this morning where my students greeted me at the entrance with a vase of flowers. They then assigned me my "bodyguards" who were in charge of distracting me with random scientific facts/explanations and other nonsense until the party coordinators finished decorating the room. When I entered, every student was under his or her desk...and they popped up and yelled "happy birthday!" The "dj" of the group struck up the music that they had pre-planned for the celebration. Then my eyes caught the beautiful posters that they had made....and the cake, refreshments, and munchies that covered my desk. They had cleared an area for a "dance floor" and taught me to dance a "traditional birthday song" in Mexico. It was truly the hugest surprise and a wonderful start to my day.

I was so proud of them. They organized (by themselves) every last detail. I was amazed. It took my breath away to watch them serve one another...and me. I loved seeing them form teams of people to do certain jobs...and execute them with such grace. I`ve had the most enormous smile on my face the entire day. It was fabulous!

I`m pretty sure there`s something in the works this evening from my boyfriend`s family, as well. They`ve been super "hush-hush-uh-oh-here-she-comes" for the last week or so. And someone accidentally asked in front of me yesterday if the oldest sister was coming in from Guadalajara this afternoon. So I`m pretty sure there will be something happening in the evening. Yay! :) I`ve had a delightful day. Thanks for all of the sweet notes/emails/etc that have flooded in. It`s been a day to cherish! :)

change.

it`s disgusting when you think you`re going to enter something again and have it change....but it doesn`t. it`s still the same old stagnant thing that you dreaded before.

hmmmmmmm....attitude check? right on that...

Fresh Air...

There are Mariachi's walking outside. There are people laughing at the table next to me. Wow. I didn't know how good it would feel to GET OUT OF MY HOUSE....or Rica's house. Man. I've been really, really sick for the last couple of weeks....with this week being the most intense....and haven't left...haven't gone to work...haven't been able to. So, today, sitting in the coffee shop/internet cafe, I'm delighted. It's probably too much...and I probably shouldn't be out, but I had to. It was too much sitting there on the couch for another afternoon.

I'm an expert at solving murder cases, now...thanks to Law and Order: Criminal Intent. And if you ever discover a body, just call me up. I'm a pro at figuring out evidence and sequence of events, as I was doing so within the first 15 minutes as of the 54th episode that I watched. So, not to worry, should you ever stumble upon a crime scene, I'm up for the job....and if need be, I'll retire from teaching in Mexico to assist you. I'm good. Really good.

On a much more serious note....I have issues. Do you ever just wake up in the morning and think that? Maybe I can blame it on living along. Maybe I can blame it on lack of a "real" social life. Maybe I can even blame it on insanity due to living in a foreign country. But I'm pretty sure that whatever title I put on it, it stems to growth inside of me that I can't contain. It's like there's a peeling away of a layer of the heart...and I discover that I don't know much....about me, about life, about God, about what it's like to be in another culture, about love, about relationships, about trust, about lots of things.

And I find, that for me, I have a hard time not knowing. I even will make it up if I don't know so that I can pretend like I do. Not that's fabulous, huh? It's like lying to yourself to feel better about yourself. I have this view of life (that, although I think is normal coming from the culture and lifestyle that I grew up in in the States) to weigh things out. What I mean by that is justification. Like THIS isn't as bad as THIS...so I can do THIS much and get away with THIS. Or to take it to another extreme, I HAVE to do THIS in order to be worthy of THIS.....if I don't GIVE this or DO THIS...then I don't deserve THIS....

And that makes learning to love and trust...and be in relationships in general....really tough. It's like there this " I owe you" deal that happens inside of me. It's hard to accept things.

It's been one of the most amazing experiences for me to be here and see the "sharing" attitude. For example, to watch a family in need is a spectacular thing. Everyone just gives up what is "theirs" and helps out. That could mean money; it could mean time; it could mean food. It could mean just about anything. But there is this selflessness that blows my mind. It's unlike anything I've really ever experienced. It's this deal that says: "You're my responsibility because you are a human being." Money? Okay...how much? Food? Okay....where? Time? I'm all yours.

Wow. I was in tears this morning becuase I've been battling with feeling like a burden...in my sickness, I've been all but independent. I don't have a car. I can't get around. I couldn't get out of bed for a few days becuase I was so dizzy and miserable. I couldn't get to the farmacia to get medicine. I couldn't be there for my kids at school. I was all by myself in my house.....

And then there were these people. They came to serve me. NO NO NO NO NO NO. I couldn't do it. There's the pride about me that says "Uh-uh....I'm gonna do it." But, really, I'm not. I can't. There were physical limitations....I couldn't do it. And all the while, I'm counting up the amount of debt I'm racking up, right? I'm thinking how I'm going to re-pay...how I'm going to make it all right.

And then when the pain in my stomach was immobilizing...and Rica brought me the pill with a glass of water. That was it. I broke. I was in tears this morning after that event last night...apologizing to him for being sick...for not being able to just do it. To have to be taken care of. For being a burden.

My pride. His selflessness. The selflessness of his sister who served me food. It's like having your dirty, stinky feet washed...so undeservingly. It's like being bathed in this sweet aroma of love...pure love, but pouring on the stench of pride with your own hands.

I don't know how to get there. I don't know how to humble myself...to not feel this "compelling need" to apologize...to get it together. It's an experience...to be weak like that. And in the middle of something where you really, honestly, in truly...NEED someone (someones.....) else.

I went through this a time ago, as well. With something of a different nature, but serious all the while...and these people. Rica, Leti, Victor, Marsela, Ara....they came....and they FOUGHT for me. They held me.

It's hard. I don't like it. I don't like learning this......thing....whatever it is. But I'll get it. And based on what I've observed, I'll be much better for the process...these people I have here....they rock my world.

And even more than that, they impact it greatly. With things I've never experienced before....