otra luz...

I saw things from a different perspective today. Really. I was sitting there, and a whole new light shed itself about the entire room. She was talking and I saw past the scatter-brain. I saw past the exhaustion. And I saw humanity. I have a difficult time with this sometimes, I've realized. Just seeing the sheer humanness..I think my brain develops this weird systematic way of thinking, which, in essence, reduces life to perfection and failure.

That's it. Those are the only two options in the book.

And sometimes that's ok. But most times, it isn't. I'm always amazed at those people who can really reach beyond reason and get into the feelings phase. I'm not good at that. Not in the least bit. I seldom am a "feelings" person myself, although living by yourself will teach you how to get in touch with those really quickly. More so, I think that (on purpose) a significant number of people have been introduced into my life here....not just a few. Un monton....

And they speak into my life everyday. Sometimes it's in ways that I do'nt see or understand...and that frustrate the living daylights out of me....really. But honestly, these people are speaking life to me in hidden, subtle ways that I am finally beginning to recognize.

I view perfection as the ultimate...and often times, in the attempt to teach my kids about integrity and responsibility, I cut them off in the middle of explaining for the thirty-third time why they DON'T HAVE THEIR HOMEWORK....and I'll just say, "You either have your homework....or you DON'T have your homework." And that's the end. Black and white for me. There's not a lot that can be in the middle. It's one way or the other.

But then there's this pivotal point of balance. Perfection is NOT the ultimate. It's really not. It's kinda boring. I'm bored with the things in life that just are. There's like this rush in the process....it's human. It's natural to be enticed by the figuring it out.

And then there are people like me....who just find that life works better if it works....that life just flows smoother if someone rationalizes....that things be put in boxes (neat boxes with labels, please)....that there is a "yes" or "no" for every question. And THOSE people miss it sometimes. It's because the MARK becomes the idol. The process becomes the antagonist. Just get there. Just make it work. Just do it. (Nike must have a CEO that's like me).

But then there's grace. I do'nt know how to maneuver in that "thing"...it's unknown. It's not "fair"....it's not "just"....it's not "reality".....it's a cop out. It's an excuse. It's less than perfection.

Ah hah. And there again pops up that trap for me. I've spent a lot of life missing the details for the sake of perfection. I've spent a lot of life missing the relationships for the outcome of the "junta"....I've spent a lot of life walking past the true learning experiences for the sake of gripping the answer. I don't often do well with flowery stuff. I don't cry during movies. I don't tolerate sappy, emotional stuff (just get it together for heavens' sake....). I don't allow for very many mistakes before you're struck from the jury of my life, so to speak. I demand that you hold up your end of the deal at all costs. And I do that with everything in life.

I saw things differently today, though. This instance was a school meeting, in which, I as usual, was frustrated because I was told originally that I would need these certain grades/percentages....so I did that. Then, no, it changed. It was THESE SIX with THESE percentages....and then today, all of a sudden (the day the grades are due for my 50 little people)....NO! There are only THESE THREE (one of which wasn't even in the original list)....and then, by the way, for your homeroom, you'll need to enter these extra SEVEN.

So in the midst of being peeved at the thought of having to stay longer and do something else that wasn't in the mix....not to mention, I had other responsibilities that I was committed to...and I certainly (for the sake of perfection) wasn't going to squirm out of those. I was going to do it. All of it.

But then I saw her. I saw her face. I watched her eyes. I glanced away because, really, it was something hard for me. To "permit" failure. To be "okay" with what I had wound up in my heart as "injustice." But then I saw something.

It IS a real battle for her too. And she's not failing miseraby, a thought I'd sometimes entertain in my mind. There was a passion that was so familiar to my heart....something that resounds from the depths of my soul. We have the same desire. We just try to get there in a totally different manner. And that was powerful for me. The "imperfection" IS her process. The "perfection" is mine.

The words that come out of her mouth sometimes astound me. NO, I will NOT give that kid another chance to make-up his work, he's had eight weeks...oh, and if he didn't care enough about it in the first place to do it, why should he care now..in the final days. NO. And if the kid earns a 2.3, I want to put that. Fluffing it with a 5 or 6 is not okay. It's not the truth.

That's the Miss K methodology.

That's not hers.

And I've been shut off to her way of thinking for the greater part of my life. Even went so far as to think it ridiculous. But then, today, I saw the error in my ways. To grow, learn, change, be greater than when I woke up yesterday, I can't shut out the influences...the very people that I need to invest in me. And to grow, I've gotta reach this level of cognition that challenges what enters, debates it, rattles it around and around and around, and then decides....an exploration. Not just the sheer "nope. I don't think so. That's not what I believe. Next." The way to be intelligent is to listen. To critically perceive. To weigh over and over and over.....and then judge and decide.

I want my kids to learn that. I'm using methods that challenge them in that way. But, once again, I see the error in my own modeling. I don't always do it.

So I'm grateful for that meeting that I originally thought a waste of time....pointless. Actually, now, I'm glad that I was sitting there in that very chair...to get it. To learn yet something else. To find a flaw....a big one. And more than that, I'm really thankful for the people that are challenging me to think outside of my own little box....to reach into something so unfamiliar. It's the way to truly gain knowledge that turns into wisdom......this.......reaching. seeking, striving. and really, in the end: listening.