Keepin' It Real...

This morning was really tough. I was really weak...and feeling really alone....I wrote the following entry on the bus from Guadalajara to Ajijic....which, in reality, turned out to be my going to the complete wrong city...because I was under the impression that we went to Ajijic and stayed in Ajijic...when in fact, no, that is not what happens when you buy an Ajijic ticket...you have to ask to be let off in the "downtown" area....so needless to say, after we'd passed Ajijic....and I finally started to realize that maybe I should check on the amount of time remaining in the trip, I discovered that I was headed in the wrong direction...and had to hike half the country to find a bank to get enough money to buy a NEW bus ticket...and turn around and go back to where I had already come from. The tears flowed freely on the second bus...and I struggled to keep it together...just the thought of all of the change....all of everything...it was a little much for me this morning. The following is that account:

I need this bus to keep drivng and never stop...or for it to turn around instantly and return me to 2428 Isla del Coco. I don't know if I can do this.

My cheeks closely mirror the hillsides dripping left over rain drops....my tear drops spill more freely now, though, than the remnants of precipitation.

I can't even put into intelligible words what's happening inside of my trembling body. It's something like fear...maybe it's terror. It's something like yeah....that. That's exactly what it is.

The best explanation that I have racing in my mind (I think I am now-familiar with the way a szyscophrenic feels....torn in millions of directions and pieces, but none make any sense at all) is that I need to stand in my daddy's closet. I just need to go there...and smell the leather smell that lets me know that it's okay. It lets me know that my heart is safe. It gives me great stability because it is what identifies who I am. My dad-my hero....he was my first boyfriend....he was my superhero...he was my protector...he was the one that fought off the bad guys to make it okay. I need to go there. I need to rest there...if I could just curl up on the floor...not a sound....nothing but the smell...nothing but the safety...nothing but the security. That's what I feel like....as best I can describe with words.

This morning was the last time I rode 214...

Camine....camine...llore. Todo lo es familiar para mi....ya no es. Ya se cambio...otra vez. Como quiero saber y conocer a algo que no se cambia. Hace un poco desede he sentido segura. Pense que era esta cosa u otra...pero luego, se cambio. Y otra vez.....veo lo mismo.

Dance. Cuando el cielo esta oscuro y tira la lluvia....llore....y luego cuando sientes el gozo...baile. Vente....y vivir. Me voy...camino....pero a donde? Algunas veces siento como que yo se quien soy....en los aspectos relativos (en muchas otra no....porque siempre aprendemos quien somos)...pero bueno....como que lo que quiero...como mi trabajo....como mis deseos....como todo eso.....estoy viviendo mis suenos....y luego....algunas otras veces, estoy perdida. No se nada. Siento tan sola....Tengo bastante miedo....siento como que no soy bastante....que me falta mucho.

Mariposa...llego el tiempo a volar....pero como? En donde? Aqui? Alla? Estoy siguiendo el camino correcto? Deje.....que deje?

I find comfort in the sounds of piano from my IPOD. In the circles I've been running, I've covered many miles. I could search forever for what's right before my eyes. Just when I thought I'd found it...it was nothing like I'd planned. When I got my heart around it, it slipped right through my hands. I close my eyes...and see it. In a midnight talk. In a morning kiss. When I'm in your arms that's where it is. That's where it is....When I'm crashing through the madess...not sure who I'm supposed to be....when I'm caught up in the darkness....it's your hand that's leading me. You bring me back to solid ground. You lift me up right here...right now. This song touches my deepest part. I need some arms...I need someone to hold me. My weakness....my neediness overwhelms me at this moment.